This sure isn’t how she planned it.
This isn’t what she expected.
This isn’t what she dreamt of as a little girl.
This isn’t what he promised her.
This is not what they discussed.
Could this really be her life or is it the cruelest practical joke ever?
She didn’t expect love to be perfect but this? This she would not wish on her worst enemies.
Had she known there was even the remotest possibility that this could one day be her life, no, she would not have risked it.
She looks in the mirror; she can barely recognize herself, a shadow of what she used to be.
The eyes of a stranger stare back at her, asking “what happened?”
She whispers to God, if I have brought this on myself, have mercy and remove this cup.
With bitter tears rolling down her once bouncy, rosy cheeks, she whispers to her creator, “please make it better, deliver me Lord!!!” she cries. This is the only prayer she now has. This is the only prayer she has had for a while now.
Her hair stopped growing years ago, the doctor doesn’t know why. She knows why.
Her lovely fair skin is worn out and prematurely riddled with wrinkles even though she’s only 50. People question why she’s not aging well; they say she misses her children. She knows why.
Her weight is up and down, people think she’s stressed out. She knows why.
She’s screaming and yelling, angry all the time. She’ll go mad otherwise. People think she’s a troublesome woman. She knows why she yells.
She has stopped using the cane but still has a slight limp in her right leg, people think she fell. She knows what really happened.
It’s a rainy day today; she’s never been the type to wear sun glasses. She looks in the mirror, she has to…she knows why.
What she doesn’t know is how she got here.
What happened?
Where is the wide-eyed sweet-talker who promised her forever?
Where is the man who swore to he’d never hurt her?
Who is this stranger who looks at her like something the dog threw up?
What is going to become of her now?
How does she dance this waltz alone? Actually she might be better off waltzing alone. This is worse than not knowing the dance…She’s called everyone to watch her dance, she’s center stage but magically every stitch of clothing has disappeared. She’s stark naked in front of all these people.
Mother, sister, friend, my heart breaks in ten thousand pieces for you. God will be the judge.
May 20, 2011
May 4, 2011
Stuck like glue to the God in me
Osama is dead!
That’s probably how most people received this news whether it was read in the paper, on a mute television or heard from news casters family or friend. I imagine the difference so far is the general reaction to the news.
I personally, went from really? To wow! To Obama! To wait a second…Could this mean possible retaliation by other extremist groups? Then I as I continued to read the article, it mentioned that Osama’s body was in custody of the U.S, of course, this was before we found out he had been dumped into the Arabian ocean because his home land Saudi would not accept the body. My next thought was then, what will they do with the body after all, his rights as a Muslim had to be recognized, he had to be interred within 24 hours…At this point, I’m simultaneously browsing trusted news sources including of course the most important one, Face book. It is at this point that I start to get really flustered because people were celebrating! Not to be a holier than thou or a bit of a party pooper or anything but relief and jubilation did not even occur to me at all.
I guess first things first, someone just died and second, he is one man with thousands of followers as well as other extremists groups who subscribe to his thinking and are more than willing to accept the proverbial torch from him; people that will take his place without having to be asked.
Anyway, to get right down to my point...was the jubilating mob outside the Whitehouse, the night Osama’s death was announced, an appropriate gathering? I am not questioning the actual act of gathering because of Osama’s death but the spirit in which these people were gathered. It’s a little difficult to criticize the people that have been celebrating because after all, Osama did mass murder hundreds if not thousands. He was a monster.
See now, that word monster is interesting to me. Without saying too much, I would just like to touch on the fact that it isn’t in our nature, as our God made us, as human beings to revel in the death of another, the wasted life of a lost soul. Not saying he shouldn’t be dead but what would make us better/different than him? When the life of another means nothing.
Our calling and inclination as warm blooded creatures with a heart and a soul is to rehabilitate lost people and possibly educate. I mean, the creator of all of the universe saw it fit to send his son to redeem our lost souls so what would be expect from us who cannot create even a sand fly. However, in the event where we are unable to change people just as Jesus was unable to either out of their own refusal to be rehabilitated or our own failure to adequately and effectively address their issues, do we feel a sense victory or do we feel some disappointment because that person was one of us who just happened to lose their way and was just unable to find it?
This situation is very similar to the laughing at your enemy’s down fall scenario but Psalm 24 starting at verse 17 reads 17 Don't laugh when your enemy falls; don't crow over his collapse. 18 God might see, and become very provoked, and then take pity on his plight.
I think when we face these situations in our lives, and it will not always be the number 1 public enemy like Osama but sometimes a less notorious enemy of ours, let us look deep down and find that which the God in us. Take some introspective time and as cheesy as it sounds, do what Jesus would do. My prayers go out to his victims, may God heal a wound nothing...not even the death of his man can bring. Better to love than to give into hate, that, would be the ultimate defeat in my opinion
That’s probably how most people received this news whether it was read in the paper, on a mute television or heard from news casters family or friend. I imagine the difference so far is the general reaction to the news.
I personally, went from really? To wow! To Obama! To wait a second…Could this mean possible retaliation by other extremist groups? Then I as I continued to read the article, it mentioned that Osama’s body was in custody of the U.S, of course, this was before we found out he had been dumped into the Arabian ocean because his home land Saudi would not accept the body. My next thought was then, what will they do with the body after all, his rights as a Muslim had to be recognized, he had to be interred within 24 hours…At this point, I’m simultaneously browsing trusted news sources including of course the most important one, Face book. It is at this point that I start to get really flustered because people were celebrating! Not to be a holier than thou or a bit of a party pooper or anything but relief and jubilation did not even occur to me at all.
I guess first things first, someone just died and second, he is one man with thousands of followers as well as other extremists groups who subscribe to his thinking and are more than willing to accept the proverbial torch from him; people that will take his place without having to be asked.
Anyway, to get right down to my point...was the jubilating mob outside the Whitehouse, the night Osama’s death was announced, an appropriate gathering? I am not questioning the actual act of gathering because of Osama’s death but the spirit in which these people were gathered. It’s a little difficult to criticize the people that have been celebrating because after all, Osama did mass murder hundreds if not thousands. He was a monster.
See now, that word monster is interesting to me. Without saying too much, I would just like to touch on the fact that it isn’t in our nature, as our God made us, as human beings to revel in the death of another, the wasted life of a lost soul. Not saying he shouldn’t be dead but what would make us better/different than him? When the life of another means nothing.
Our calling and inclination as warm blooded creatures with a heart and a soul is to rehabilitate lost people and possibly educate. I mean, the creator of all of the universe saw it fit to send his son to redeem our lost souls so what would be expect from us who cannot create even a sand fly. However, in the event where we are unable to change people just as Jesus was unable to either out of their own refusal to be rehabilitated or our own failure to adequately and effectively address their issues, do we feel a sense victory or do we feel some disappointment because that person was one of us who just happened to lose their way and was just unable to find it?
This situation is very similar to the laughing at your enemy’s down fall scenario but Psalm 24 starting at verse 17 reads 17 Don't laugh when your enemy falls; don't crow over his collapse. 18 God might see, and become very provoked, and then take pity on his plight.
I think when we face these situations in our lives, and it will not always be the number 1 public enemy like Osama but sometimes a less notorious enemy of ours, let us look deep down and find that which the God in us. Take some introspective time and as cheesy as it sounds, do what Jesus would do. My prayers go out to his victims, may God heal a wound nothing...not even the death of his man can bring. Better to love than to give into hate, that, would be the ultimate defeat in my opinion
Apr 25, 2011
I've filled up on hope and love and I'm movin on. Deuces!
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
.
.
.
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I'm movin' on
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
--Rascal Flatts
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
.
.
.
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I'm movin' on
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
--Rascal Flatts
Apr 20, 2011
FUGGEDABOUDIT MEHN!
Forgive and forget. Who would have thought such a simple and concise directive would be so difficult to follow? When I found myself in a situation where forgiveness really became the key to my freedom, I found that it wasn’t really so easy to move past the issue, forgive and forget. I found that I really did not know what it means to “forgive” plus I started wondering what this “forget” business really means. Obviously, I can’t be expected to all of a sudden have selective amnesia just because I have decided to. So it’s got to mean something else right? Well what does it mean? If I can’t quite literally forget, what is the author of this directive really saying?
In the past, I have been convinced that all I really needed in order to forgive was a contrite apology, ha-ha, what a laugh! It’s become clear to me that my thinking was highly flawed because first of all, Jesus came as a living sacrifice for the forgiveness of our sins before we were conceived much less had a chance to apologize. As a matter of fact, the very moment God cursed Adam, he created a way out of the hopelessness that was sure to be ours. God at that moment said about the offspring of the woman to the serpent “he will crush your head and you will bruise his heel…” a prophecy eventually fulfilled by Christ’s victory over the devil. So, to be Christ-like and follow the example of the Creator…obviously an apology is not grounds for forgiveness.
So how do you forgive someone who has not apologized? After an extended conversation with my darling cousin, I think I may have a recipe, well more like one ingredient that by the grace of God will work for me. Forget. I think the phrase “forgive and forget” should be cut to “forget” period. In my opinion forgive = forget, thinking they are 2 separate things is kind of confusing for me. Forget does not mean to develop amnesia, I think it means to no longer hold whatever a person did wrong as grounds to be angry with that individual. I think it means showing love regardless of what they have done. I think it means not dealing with this individual on the basis of the hurt or pain they may have caused. It means, “yes, I do have the right to be angry because this person was wrong however, I will choose to not hold what they have done against them…I will turn a blind eye to it”. In essence, I will turn the other cheek as Jesus directed. Now this does not mean forgetting what such a person is capable of, the bible also says to be wise. I will try to make sure I never put myself in a situation where this individual can do the same thing to me again while maintaining a relationship that’s non-reflective of any hurt they may have caused in the past.
Some helpful scriptures:
Matthew 18:15; “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
John 20:23; If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you withhold forgiveness from any, it is withheld.”
In the past, I have been convinced that all I really needed in order to forgive was a contrite apology, ha-ha, what a laugh! It’s become clear to me that my thinking was highly flawed because first of all, Jesus came as a living sacrifice for the forgiveness of our sins before we were conceived much less had a chance to apologize. As a matter of fact, the very moment God cursed Adam, he created a way out of the hopelessness that was sure to be ours. God at that moment said about the offspring of the woman to the serpent “he will crush your head and you will bruise his heel…” a prophecy eventually fulfilled by Christ’s victory over the devil. So, to be Christ-like and follow the example of the Creator…obviously an apology is not grounds for forgiveness.
So how do you forgive someone who has not apologized? After an extended conversation with my darling cousin, I think I may have a recipe, well more like one ingredient that by the grace of God will work for me. Forget. I think the phrase “forgive and forget” should be cut to “forget” period. In my opinion forgive = forget, thinking they are 2 separate things is kind of confusing for me. Forget does not mean to develop amnesia, I think it means to no longer hold whatever a person did wrong as grounds to be angry with that individual. I think it means showing love regardless of what they have done. I think it means not dealing with this individual on the basis of the hurt or pain they may have caused. It means, “yes, I do have the right to be angry because this person was wrong however, I will choose to not hold what they have done against them…I will turn a blind eye to it”. In essence, I will turn the other cheek as Jesus directed. Now this does not mean forgetting what such a person is capable of, the bible also says to be wise. I will try to make sure I never put myself in a situation where this individual can do the same thing to me again while maintaining a relationship that’s non-reflective of any hurt they may have caused in the past. This isn’t expected to be the easiest practice in the world. Betrayal and hurt are sharp daggers that run deep and sometimes have lasting effects on not just one but many lives however, with this knowledge of how to achieve forgiveness by blindsiding wrong doing, hopefully the process will be easier and faster. I pray for strength beyond that which is normal to practice this in Jesus name. I also pray for forgiveness from God for holding a grudge.
By the way, this is a very important issue because the scripture says in Matt 5:23-24; “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”
Some helpful scriptures:
Matthew 18:15; “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
John 20:23; If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you withhold forgiveness from any, it is withheld.”
Apr 12, 2011
Forecast: Sunny skies
Busy busy busy as a bee.
Been listening to a lot of music though.
It’s a little weird, the closer I get to moving back home, the more familiar I am with myself…whatever that means *eyes rolling*. I feel like I recognize myself. I’m starting to make sense again, I feel sturdy and anchored. I thank God for not leaving me lost in the dark.
My taste in music, my opinions, general disposition etcetera is clearer and more me. It’s like I was a victim of identity theft and the medicine is finally working…I’m listening to “it hurts like hell” by Aretha Franklin and I remember how much I loved this song as a teenager. This is the 3rd time I’ve looked up this song in about 6months and I just remember how much I believe that voice of hers. That high pitched, haunted sound pierces the pretty place of my ear drums…her heart is broken but there’s nothing broken about the sound of her voice and the earnestness with which she’s getting her point across. It’s funny because the song is about love that hurts yet listening to it doesn’t make me sad…as a matter of fact it triggers feelings of hope, a kind of warm feeling. She says “True loving has no hiding place, it’s not something you just put away, it’s always there inside of you, and oh it shows in everything you do…sometimes it hurts…” and the pain is just too much. She makes me want to know what she’s talking about, not the pain, but the love.
It makes me want a crazy love that would hurt like hell. Although I thank God for grace because when he gives me mine, I know it will not hurt like hell, instead it will “hurt so good” (Lol! How cheesy!). It’ll run deep down and I will feel it in my soul. Anyway, what I should be talking about is the uncertainty of the very near future. The past 8 years have brought me to this point. Living away from home, always building semi-portable lives mentally, emotionally even physically, unable to really feel stationary knowing deep down inside that I was headed back home. Now the moment of truth is here. There’s relief as a result of those times it seemed this day would never arrive; it just seemed so far away phew! There’s satisfaction and contentment since I am getting what I want and then there’s a question…if I had more, if my life here were a little heavier and not so portable, would this be my decision? Is this what I would want or is this just what I have? Generally though, I am at peace, looking forward to it with joy not apprehension. Everytime I think about it, it’s all sunshine in “dami-land” and I can’t wait to book that ticket.
Feb 28, 2011
Trial or Temptaion?
I asked this question 2 months ago and it is my own fault that I have not received the answer up till now. I was doing my studying today and the answer came in a flash. Has anyone ever asked what the difference between a trial and temptation is? I never really even considered that there was a difference until recently.
Most people use trial and temptation interchangeably, as a matter of fact, rarely is one mentioned without the other, “God save us from trials and temptation” is how we say it. I think the biggest problem with not knowing the meanings of these terms is the fact that people erroneously credit God with one or both. “God has brought this evil upon me, he is testing me”, and “God has brought these trials of evil upon me”. This school of thought is the reason certain people cannot wrap their minds around Gods love because when tragedy hits, they ask, why did God do this to me?
Chapter 1 of James clears this issue up. It starts with something that is hard for me; “Consider it pure joy to face trails of any kind”. Then it goes on to explain how perseverance brings maturity and completeness to our spiritual character. It emphasizes in verse 9 that we should always take pride in our circumstances especially if it is humble because of course, if we let it, it could be a lesson in humility. And if God has seen it fit to bless us with earthly wealth, that circumstance, if we let it, can show us how fleeting life is because all those things can be gone in a flash. This is the nature of a trial. If we pay attention and not whine all the time, a trial takes us through the fire to build the right character in us or in the case of Job, exhibit the type of character lurking in our hearts, a test, just as Abraham was tested in Genesis 22. I pray that no matter the type of trials that come my way, I am able to keep my eyes on the ball, focus on the possible outcomes, character improvement or passing a test, and trust that God knows why he has ALLOWED rather than “brought upon me” a situation which with my human/limited understanding I would consider evil.
James goes on to talk about the nature of temptation in verse 13 of the same chapter. Per my NIV bible, the verb temptation is a “test of one’s moral strength to resist sin”. While a trial is as a result of external influences, temptation is very much the demons within. Our God by his very nature is holy and cannot behold evil. Temptations are birthed by our own carnal thoughts and desires not of God. We think/want something that is greedy, selfish, and covetous or just not of God and instead of mastering that impulse and using the strength that God has given us to overcome it, we give in. Indeed, it is a test of our “moral strength to resist sin”. James continues to describe the nature of temptation in verse 15. After the desire has been conceived, it gives birth to sin and when that sin is full grown, it gives birth to death. Being human and carrying a flesh that Paul referred to as being of a sinful nature in Romans 7, what do we do to overcome temptation?
In Matthew 5, Jesus said if your right hand (70-90% of the world is right handed= random fact) causes you to sin, cut it off; meaning remove any source of sin from your life. I pray that God helps me to master any part of my life that can give birth to sin. I pray for grace to guard my heart from external sources that pollute and produce evil thoughts. Every evil desire should be cut off at conception. I pray for strength to cut off at the root, people or things that increase the frequency of evil desires in my heart.
Most people use trial and temptation interchangeably, as a matter of fact, rarely is one mentioned without the other, “God save us from trials and temptation” is how we say it. I think the biggest problem with not knowing the meanings of these terms is the fact that people erroneously credit God with one or both. “God has brought this evil upon me, he is testing me”, and “God has brought these trials of evil upon me”. This school of thought is the reason certain people cannot wrap their minds around Gods love because when tragedy hits, they ask, why did God do this to me?
Chapter 1 of James clears this issue up. It starts with something that is hard for me; “Consider it pure joy to face trails of any kind”. Then it goes on to explain how perseverance brings maturity and completeness to our spiritual character. It emphasizes in verse 9 that we should always take pride in our circumstances especially if it is humble because of course, if we let it, it could be a lesson in humility. And if God has seen it fit to bless us with earthly wealth, that circumstance, if we let it, can show us how fleeting life is because all those things can be gone in a flash. This is the nature of a trial. If we pay attention and not whine all the time, a trial takes us through the fire to build the right character in us or in the case of Job, exhibit the type of character lurking in our hearts, a test, just as Abraham was tested in Genesis 22. I pray that no matter the type of trials that come my way, I am able to keep my eyes on the ball, focus on the possible outcomes, character improvement or passing a test, and trust that God knows why he has ALLOWED rather than “brought upon me” a situation which with my human/limited understanding I would consider evil.
James goes on to talk about the nature of temptation in verse 13 of the same chapter. Per my NIV bible, the verb temptation is a “test of one’s moral strength to resist sin”. While a trial is as a result of external influences, temptation is very much the demons within. Our God by his very nature is holy and cannot behold evil. Temptations are birthed by our own carnal thoughts and desires not of God. We think/want something that is greedy, selfish, and covetous or just not of God and instead of mastering that impulse and using the strength that God has given us to overcome it, we give in. Indeed, it is a test of our “moral strength to resist sin”. James continues to describe the nature of temptation in verse 15. After the desire has been conceived, it gives birth to sin and when that sin is full grown, it gives birth to death. Being human and carrying a flesh that Paul referred to as being of a sinful nature in Romans 7, what do we do to overcome temptation?
In Matthew 5, Jesus said if your right hand (70-90% of the world is right handed= random fact) causes you to sin, cut it off; meaning remove any source of sin from your life. I pray that God helps me to master any part of my life that can give birth to sin. I pray for grace to guard my heart from external sources that pollute and produce evil thoughts. Every evil desire should be cut off at conception. I pray for strength to cut off at the root, people or things that increase the frequency of evil desires in my heart.
Feb 23, 2011
What’s eating you slugger?
What is the cause of strife between brothers, friends and loved ones? In James 4: 1-3, the scripture narrows it down to the ego. Most quarrels originate from one individual taking offense because they wanted/expected something they did not receive; something physical like money or abstract like respect or love as well as the desires of a covetous heart. In general, feelings of bitterness have their origin in explicit, implicit or subconscious desires that have gone unfulfilled. We should, as Christians, practice the ability to control such emotions since we know that everything we want/have, we received from God. In asking, we should take into account certain factors: When we ask of God, it should be for the right reasons and a righteous end. When we do not receive, rather than examine our hearts for possible selfish reasons, we believe God has not answered our prayers or that the devil has stolen from us when really, it’s just that our request is not from a righteous heart or does not align with the will of God. James 4: 3 says we ask with wrong motives that we may spend on our own pleasures.
I don’t bear too many grudges because I am not surrounded by too many people but I have to admit to having been here many times. I would say my pride is the source of a lot of bitterness. Why does this person feel they can say this to me? Why didn’t this person listen to what I said? How could this person treat me this way? Why do is this person wasting my time? The bottom line is these questions would not be enough to generate any anger if I didn’t think so much of myself (ego). I pray that God helps me decrease, that I do not think so highly of myself to take offense when others don’t treat me a certain way.
So let us try not to harbor grudges, and when feelings of animosity or anger arise in us against our brother, let us ask ourselves, why am I angry? Is it my ego that has been bruised? Self evaluation can be the hardest but God will bless us with objectiveness that we can humble ourselves and not take offense unnecessarily. Remember, many insults were hurled against Jesus but he only took offense when his father’s house was desecrated.
May the spirit of gentleness and lowliness of heart live within us always.
I don’t bear too many grudges because I am not surrounded by too many people but I have to admit to having been here many times. I would say my pride is the source of a lot of bitterness. Why does this person feel they can say this to me? Why didn’t this person listen to what I said? How could this person treat me this way? Why do is this person wasting my time? The bottom line is these questions would not be enough to generate any anger if I didn’t think so much of myself (ego). I pray that God helps me decrease, that I do not think so highly of myself to take offense when others don’t treat me a certain way.
So let us try not to harbor grudges, and when feelings of animosity or anger arise in us against our brother, let us ask ourselves, why am I angry? Is it my ego that has been bruised? Self evaluation can be the hardest but God will bless us with objectiveness that we can humble ourselves and not take offense unnecessarily. Remember, many insults were hurled against Jesus but he only took offense when his father’s house was desecrated.
May the spirit of gentleness and lowliness of heart live within us always.
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