Though The Bush Was On Fire It Did Not Burn

      Seriously, it feels like I’m on my honey moon or something! No, I’m not married or even dating at the moment. It’s just that my God is so beautiful.

      In Hosea chapter 2, the Lord describes the children of Israel as a promiscuous wife who has turned away from her husband and forgotten who she is. I will always be a child of God, nothing and no one can take that identity from me but sometimes it feels like I’m going through a dry spell. This moment, I feel ever so close to my savior and the next…

      I went through one of these dry spells recently and I guess you could say God revealed another side of himself to me. He rained down a whole bunch of light on the dark. My heart feels like it is finally home. Imagine meeting someone for the first time and you feel like you’ve missed them…that’s kind of how it feels. Like I learned something new yet it feels like I’ve always known about it. Yes, weird but then again isn’t that the nature of our God? C.S Lewis describes him as a room that’s larger on the inside than it is on the outside. He just defies!

      I have never said this before but I feel like the scripture has been fulfilled in me. The Lord says in Hosea 2:14 that He(the husband) will “allure” the wayward wife “into the wilderness and speak kindly to her”; some translations render it as “speak to her heart”. In my own way, God allured me into the desert and revealed himself to me (spoke to my heart).

      God pointed out multiple times in the book of Exodus the fact that he would be taking the Israelites into the desert to worship him. Why did he not say, I will lead them into the land of milk and honey so they may worship me there? Of course this is not to say God cannot be worshipped in the land of milk and honey, but let this be a reminder to us, no matter how much gnashing and murmuring we think a situation deserves, we may have been placed there for the purpose of worship. Shame on us if our Creator shows up for worship but gets a tantrum instead, how would we live with ourselves? How do we come back from that? I think it’s the worst thing I could ever do.

      Friends, let us trust God. Let him be our all in all. Let us give thanks in all things. Never question the Lord’s actions in our lives because his grace is sufficient. Who are we that he is mindful of us? He loves us more than we will ever be able to wrap our head around. Let us never forget when “bad” things happen and we don’t understand that God knows why and he has a plan. As wicked as our hearts can be, will our loved ones ask us for bread and we give them stone? How much more our father in heaven? Let us humble ourselves and realize that it’s not about us, it’s about God. We are a part of His plan not vice a versa. Our God will never leave nor forsake us. Every day is a gift and we have a responsibility to the savior who redeemed us from sin. Jesus bought us with his blood and we belong to him. He owes us nothing and we owe him everything.

      And when that desert sun seems like its scorching remember, “…though the bush was on fire, it did not burn up.”

If Love is the gift, ho! ho! ho!

      There has not been a post in a bit and while I feel guilty about it, there is a little relief from the fact that maybe I’m not as narcissistic as I thought I was. Yay! So here I am, trying to have at least 3 blogs in the month of November.

      As could be inferred from my opening, the past couple of weeks has been especially introspective for me—Am I narcissistic? Selfish? What kind of person am I?—Then again, isn’t every day? Well, I guess it’s been more intense lately because I may have stumbled on one of the most important adjustments that, in my opinion, could be made to my personality.

Give love.

On every turn, no matter what, to everyone, give love.

      In order to be the person God has made us to be, to be the best “Me”, all imperfections considered; I would have to drip love from every pore and core of my being. Not just be a nice person but to really embody compassion, and kindness and patience. This after all is the greatest commandment ever given to man; to love. To love God with our whole heart and soul and to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. Have a smile ready all the time—you never know who needs it—and cultivate a heart so big and wide open that whether anyone likes it or not, they would get caught in its gravitational pull.

     

This of course is not to say I don’t already give love, this just means, in the same way I have made a conscious effort to eat right, exercise and whatever else it is I do with myself, I will also become more sensitive to opportunities to give love especially when it doesn’t come easy.

      I will pray for compassion and empathy as I would normally pray for a new couch—to replace the current one which I just want to take an axe to. I intend to not be so entitled, shrink the ego, forgive freely, forget quickly, laugh it off, see the good in everyone even if I have to use binoculars and in essence be more like God. God is love, right?

      Hopefully, I’ll improve relations with those around me, be considered more amiable and of course change a life or two in the process.

     

P.S: Really looking forward to Christmas usual, hoping for a strong ending to what has been quite the decade (idea for next blog...what exactly did I do with the past 10 years?).

Welcome to Narnia

I have been reading the compilation of C.S Lewis books about the magic kingdom of Narnia; Chronicles of Narnia. It’s an awesome read about adventure and magic and it is difficult to miss the Christian parallels and metaphors even though the author denies intentionally embedding a Christian agenda in the books.

I am surprised at how much of an effect the lessons, sentiments and most of all the rendering of Aslan (Jesus) has had on me considering the book isn’t tagged religious text. There is so much about the human nature, the wickedness that can often be the human heart, the heartache we cause ourselves and others when our lack of faith or our pride prevents us from enjoying and extending the fullness of God’s love to ourselves and those around us. Most of all, the interactions with Aslan, the dialogue, his wisdom, his personality and characteristics were mind blowing. I do feel a little weird ascribing such significance to a fictional children’s book but I can’t help it.

In my opinion, the writer as best as he could have, testifies to the Majesty of God, how much love God has for us, His just nature and His expectations of us. The way God would like us to behave, the responsibilities He has placed upon us and His understanding of our limitations. He would never leave us stranded, He is always there for us and He will show up whenever we need him. The books shows how what we think we want is not necessarily good for us and how what we want may not always be what God wants and it is indeed up to God to bless us with whatever he chooses and trust that he is all knowing and embodies the greatest love there is.

The books emphasize the importance of obedience and a constant fellowship with God. The funny thing is the book also makes it okay. Reading the book, at first I feel like a petulant child stamping my foot but when Aslan reprimands and scolds, I totally get it. I’m contrite, repentant and determined to be better. There is so much insight into the character of God and I believe it.

All in all, reading the book I think, has improved my character as a child of God, it has sort of been a reminder to me to be thankful, to be full of love, to be focused on my responsibilities as a child of God, to never complain, to be content in all things and most of all…ask myself, would "Aslan" approve?

Be still and Know that I am God

The good book says God is love and I know no one could ever really love me as my God could. So why is it so hard to surrender my will? So easy to take matters into my own hands? I don't even know what this very next second holds so why am I so proud as to think I could possibly take charge and succeed? Why don’t I just decrease so that God may increase in my life? Even considering the number of times I’ve been wrong, considering the number of times I’ve had to take it back, you would think I have learned.

I pray for the ability to trust God to show up. I pray that I may wait regardless of how desperate I have made myself. I pray for strength to let go and let God. I pray that I always look to the face of my creator. I trust you O God, to take care of me because you love me and you are Love.

I'm Just Like My Mother

So there’s so much swirling around these days, in my head that is. I think the most pressing matter that can be intelligently put in words is whether or not I could possibly make a life for myself anywhere but Nigeria.

I’ve had this conversation with myself and others multiple times and I have been quite convinced that only a family of my own could keep me abroad, until now. A job no matter how much it paid couldn’t keep me here, man shall not live by bread alone right?

There are too many people dying at home, too many going hungry, too many atrocities being committed against the weak and orphaned and too many who couldn't care less. I do care, and I feel, God willing, I can make a difference. Ideally, the only excuse, the only situation that could console a guilty conscience would be if I were taking care of a family of my own. I would be too busy in love, too busy procreating, and too busy raising kids to beat myself up. I could live with myself if my life was not self centered. My family depends on me and I’m directly responsible for them. On the long run, it may not turn out to be the most fulfilling life, but again, I would be able to live with myself. As an afterthought, I guess I’m saying only love could keep me here.

I have now sort of come face to face with this decision, to stay or not, which of course is not entirely dependent on me but for the sake of this post, let’s say it is. Let’s say it is entirely up to me whether or not I choose to stay. It turns out I would not stay and this time my reasoning is sound and urgent enough to generate a conviction stronger than steel—although somewhere way deep down I think love could conquer all but again, for argument’s sake, let’s assume I can control love and because of this conviction I now have, I won’t allow myself fall in love—so there will be no changing my mind.

I came face to face with what my family would be. Instead of this abstract family that would form in my mind whenever I thought about it, this time I met my children. Pounded yam and moi-moi eating Americans born to a Nigerian parent. They’ll know my culture but never fully understand it. It’ll be a far of idea similar to my grasp of the Zulus. I’m very well aware of who they are, what they did and importance to the history of South Africans but I’ll never be a Zulu. My children will know me and my culture but it’ll never really be theirs. It’ll be “mummy’s culture”. I guess, I could try to force them to practice something they don’t fully understand—while making the younger years more awkward than it already can be—but my people say it takes a village to raise a child and unfortunately, if I stayed here, it would be just me and my lonesome. I wouldn’t have to force a culture on them on Nigerian soil consequently making them feel different from their friends sometimes; in Nigeria, it would just be the way it is and we can focus our parent-child conflicts on more important issues such as why there shall be no dating till they turn 21 :). One of many heart breaks I can predict is the day I hear them say “my Mum is Nigerian”.

They will never fully understand their culture, never really speak the language and worst and in my opinion the biggest shame of it all, they might not be like me. I need them to be like me! I never felt like a minority or second class citizen till I came to this country. As a matter of fact, I never noticed my skin color. They might sometimes blame disappointments in their lives on skin color whether or not it’s true. I don’t want them to have to be geniuses to be special. I want them to have an accent just like mine. I want them to understand the hustle and bustle that is Lagos and appreciate the strength that keeps Nigerian people trying even when the situation looks hopeless. I’d like them to understand what it is to truly lack. To know and understand that there is a huge world out there that does not revolve around them. I’d like them to see how small they are on the scheme of things and just know, without having to be constantly reminded that they can be anything they want with a little sweat regardless of skin color. I’d like them to know the difference between trivial and crucial. They should never ever know the meaning of affirmative action or minority quota. I want them to be flogged in school for misbehaving. I want them to kneel and prostrate when they greet their elders. I want them to be multilingual in English, Pidgin English, Yoruba, and understand “Wa Zo Bia”. I want them to understand that differences can unite rather than divide. I want to die in my father’s land and be buried among my people.

In pursuit of a purpose driven life…

I live everyday under the constant heavy weight of an unanswered question? The lack of an answer and the helplessness I feel to my own cause is the actual weight I carry. What is my purpose? What is my role? Which part am I supposed to play? Honestly, sometimes I feel like the understudy in my own play yet I feel my life is so ego centered. There’s a paradox for you.

My dream, my ultimate goal in life is to be actively involved in some type of charity-missionary work. I would like to help the less privileged, specifically healthcare access for children and the elderly in Africa while bringing the word of God to them. Sadly, I feel there is nothing in my life right now that even remotely mirrors that dream. People say you’re in charge of your own life and I guess I could volunteer in the local community but for some reason I just don’t seem interested in that.

Every day, I feel this hungry need which is yet to be satiated, the need to serve, eating away at me…I feel like it will keep eating away till there’s nothing left and it scares me because I think that point, where there’s nothing left, is the point when it will be too late for me.
Today is the day I get up; start serving. May not be in Africa, but I will be serving and maybe that hunger, eating me will “reduce its portions”. Maybe when the time comes and I’m fully immersed in service in Africa, then there’ll be a tangible amount left and my purpose can start to gain weight again. It will be back to its original form and I will be walking in my purpose to its fullest extent.

But of course, is this the will of God for me? Does he have an entirely different task of which I am currently totally unaware of?

Sigh.

Here's to Living Free

Sometimes we find ourselves in situations we’d much rather hide in the closet; forgotten forever. The sticky situations which are definitely not spirit inspired ultimately result in one of the following scenarios: We feel bad, repent and try our hardest to avoid being back there again; we feel bad but can’t muster the courage and strength to extricate ourselves from the situation or we’re aware of the situation but just don’t care.

I attended growth groups at church on Tuesday night and the bulk of our conversation was on how difficult it can be to deal with feelings of guilt sometimes. I find that lately this topic keeps surfacing around me and to my surprise; many people are plagued by these feelings, as a matter of fact, one of my group members just broke down and cried. So I figure I’d write something that will hopefully encourage/comfort anyone feeling any guilt, context being the first scenario; you have repented and trusting in God for continued strength to avoid messy situations.

It seems like many people, myself included, sometimes feel inadequate to receive from God because of something in their past. There is this feeling of “I don’t deserve X because…” or “I have no right” or “I deserve to be unhappy as punishment for what I’ve done” (X being a job, security, a relationship, happiness, a child or whatever else we could depend on God for). These feelings can be so strong sometimes; they lead to feelings of depression, anger, low self esteem and even strong self loathing.

Romans 2:15 talks about our conscience bearing witness to us if the requirements of the law are written on our hearts. Of course, if we have any form of the Holy Spirit in us, we will feel bad when we sin against God however; in Jesus we do have grace and forgiveness for sins. When we repent of sins in Jesus name, God forgives us and contrary to our on tendency as humans, he does not hold it over our heads, he forgets.

May I just say? When God blesses us, it’s not because we deserve it but because of grace. It’s not by our power or might (not by our actions) but by God’s grace. God is not in the business of paying us back but we do have to remember that the good book says no sin will go unpunished. Every sin carries its own repercussions in itself(Truism). As a good friend of mine put it, “if you go to the store for ketchup but get soy sauce instead, yes that was a mistake but it doesn’t mean because of grace you’ll miraculously have ketchup when you get home”, you better be ready to have your fries with soy sauce. I would say, we have grace but earth isn't exactly garden of Eden at the moment. The point is, while there might be repercussions, You have repented and he has forgiven you, he can bless you with whatever he chooses. You are the child of a king and you have a royal inheritance, so take hold of what’s yours.

At my growth group, we came to the conclusion that if we knew where these feelings of guilt were coming from and why they were coming up then these feelings would be easier to deal with. If you have repented, is it in God’s nature to keep reminding you? Those feelings are not of God; the devil knows what God has promised and seeks to keep us away from those things. The feelings that we don’t deserve, or should be punished or whatever else can only originate from someone who doesn’t want us to be happy. So please, in those dark times, remember God loves you, let us shut the devil up and bask in the grace of our Lord Jesus.

This last point was mentioned as a side note at our meeting, sometimes the Holy Spirit might call past situations/actions to our minds but know that the purpose is not to cause despair but to alert us; to remind us to be cautious, to pray or to encourage someone else. With God, all things should work out for good not for our misery.

Here’s to easy living!

Who is this I have become? A year ago, my friends would have described me as an intellectual, always ready to argue, too philosophical, highly judgmental and more type of person. Not that I am no longer these things, but I think I have sort of evolved and I am not quite sure if I am wiser or not.

These days I find that I bite my tongue more often than I used to. I used to have a lot to say about everything but these days I hold back. Not that I don’t have a strong opinion, I just don’t see the need in engaging in complex exchanges about certain topics. I think the issue is I have fewer gray areas. I find these days that many things have become so black and white for me and knowing that people might not see it so black and white; I have decided not to engage them. Is this the lazy way out? Is it so black and white because I have become less intellectual? Or am I just tired of people telling me I love to argue when really, I just enjoy stimulating conversation?

I find that these days I’m more interested in laughter. I find that I’d much rather engage in light hearted conversation that lifts my spirits and makes me want to fly. While I would like people to see me as an intellectual, I’d rather be a fun person to converse with. Not that I don’t want to exercise my mind, and explore theories at high intellectual levels, I just feel at this point, my mind is made up about certain things. I use God as the focal point for all my decision which eliminates many gray areas. In addition, it seems most people are not as complex minded as I am so it’s usually one-sided which of course is no fun.

There is one exception though, and I think knowing there is this exception allows me to resign myself to this person I have become without any guilt. Any day, any time, I will engage in complex conversations about God…not just religion in general but specifically about the Christian life and what it means to be Christ-like. I really love these conversations and thankfully they are the only ones that really matter.

I’m also more interested in discussing culture, food, places, and hobbies.

Wait.

Day after day
Month after month
Vaccums of time it would appear
I try to make each day count
Everyday a lesson learned
Can't escape the monotony that can alot of times be life
Everyday, anxious, expecting more
Optimistic that the sunrise will be kind
Resigned to the Sunset
Tomorrow is another Sunrise. For Sure!
Look Up!
Find the heart of God.
Know the heart of God.
Accept the heart of God.
Wait.

Daddy's Girl

I haven’t blogged in a while and I kind of feel guilty, I guess I’ve been less self absorbed these days. I guess I’ll write a little bit about my dad.

My earliest and probably my fondest memory of him is sort of a family trip when I was no more than 6 or 7 years old. We had gone to Ogun state to visit relatives; first stop was my dad’s side of the family, in Abeokuta, which was in a more urban part of town, generally more conducive as far as a spoilt little girl used to city living was concerned. Second stop was my mum’s side; very distant relatives whom I had never met who lived in a more rural part of town in a village called Arigbajo. So we get there, visit for a little while and it’s getting pretty dark so my mum decides it would be best if we stayed the night in the village. Daddy had to work the next day so he alone would go back home. Nahan! Daddy’s little girl, yours truly, was not liking the plan. I’m not sure if it was the whole village scene, unfamiliar faces, strange bed, my mum forcing us to play with these kids that weren’t my usual type of friends…maybe the no light, no idea what it was, but I was having none of it. I started bawling my eyes out; I wasn’t staying in some village while my daddy was gone! I’m was going back home with my daddy! Anyway after unsuccessfully trying to persuade me to stay with my mum and 3 other siblings, daddy and I got on the road and I was happy. Driving back home in the front seat, I felt like the first lady. lol! My reign was shortlived though, I guess daddy realized how late and dangerous our ride back home was and decided it would be best if we both went back to the village. Of course I was a little embarrassed because now I had to go back to the village but it was okay, as long as I was with my daddy. I guess I used to be daddy’s girl but somewhere along the line that changed.

My dad was the type to take us out every Sunday; wherever. The beach, latest restaurants, fancy hotels for dinner, long drives to Abeokuta listening to Barry White, Gregory Isaacs, Luther Van dross, Smokie Robinson and others in that genre. Yeah, growing up, I definitely adored daddy.

Flash forward to present, older and wiser. Our relationship is all but perfect, I see his flaws, I see some mistakes, but most of all I see my father’s love. I can’t even begin to list the actions that show me how much my father loves me. He worked and continues to work super hard to make sure his girls are “good”. Actually, I can’t put it into words, I can’t describe my father’s love, there is no way I could do it any justice. I’ll just say, my daddy is an awesome daddy and I am blessed in so many ways to be his daughter.

Here's to Hoping

So the other day, a friend asked me, what do you want in a guy, what are the qualities you look for? I wasn’t stumped by the question coz it’s something I have given thought to especially after having just walked away from a long term relationship that wasn't working out. I smugly responded, “He has to be funny, love God and treat me as God would”. For some reason though, I haven’t been able to get over my response coz deep down I know I wasn’t being honest. Not entirely anyway. Why?

Well I guess the simple answer is the fear that if I come face to face with the things I want, I would be setting myself up for the potential disappoint that would ensue in future years if I don't get what I want. People say, “don’t be too picky”, “you never know what God has in store”, “keep an open mind”. So here I am, not wanting to have a list coz I’m scared it might not come true. But you know what? That’s just not me! I’m not the type to shy away from life; I'm not scared of living; not scared of wishing...I know exactly what I want and I would be extremely, out of my skin, cloud 9, ecstatically happy if I got what I wanted…things that make me smile and blush like I just found a love letter from my secret crush.

So if we’re being honest…here’s what I would like:

• I would like him to have the fear of God in his heart

• I would like him to be very funny

• I hope he doesn’t say “I told you so” unless we’re BOTH laughing

• I would like him to be a thinker…

• I’d like him to be hard working and ambitious

• This is a little bit of a paradox so I’ll break it down

o I would like him to see how small he is (I guess humble)
o I’d also like him to see how big he is (feel the obligation to make a difference in the world around him)
o I would like him to see how big the world is

• I’d like some swag…Not the type they sell at Gucci though :)

• I’d like him to be educated to the full extent of that word

• …it’s a little difficult to get up to 10 but I want to…10 things I’ll love about him. Lol! I’m such a cheese ball.

• He HAS to have a faithful heart…not just be faithful but have a faithful heart

• He has to be able to hold his own

o Be decisive and Stand by his decisions
o Brave enough to change his mind when he is wrong

• Know when and how to apologize

o Know what he did wrong and why it’s wrong
o Give an honest explanation
o An act of contrition if appropriate
o And an assurance that he’ll do his best to make the future better.

If I have no friends, who am I?

So I've had a very interesting and eventful past couple of weeks. Whoa! It feels like I had a crash course in Damie 101. This isn't necessarily a bad thing seeing as I'm at that point in my life where if I don't already know who I am, then I'll never know. It was a rude awakening to say the least, rude for myself and certain people in my life. On one episode I watched of those investigative criminal series, to figure out the nature/substance of an item, they had to burn it. I have been through the fire and I'm made from quite surprising stuff!

I was initially going to attempt writing a list of the things I have learned but I'm a bit too lazy for that. I know what they are in my heart of hearts and what I need is to be true to myself and who I am. My confidence in what I know combined with the grace of God building the right character in me assures me that I'll be okay and makes an otherwise scary and confusing phase more manageable.

The one thing I want to address though is the issue of friends. Once someone who had a lot of friends and was quite the extrovert. I find that I now have fewer words, am less likely to be in the middle of all the chaos and would rather be engaged in conversation with myself. Attributes that are ofcourse...(well maybe not "ofcourse") not conducive to maintaining friendships. The number of friends I maintain is less than 5 and I put less than appropraite effort into cultivating those relationships. Not because I don't love them but because in some cases I'd much rather be quiet, in some others, the chemistry just isn't there or I just am no longer the person I used to be, I have in a sense evolved out of the relationship.

The good book says "show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are", if I now have no friends, who am I? I guess in my case, the person I am could lie in the fact that my friends are dropping like flies. I realise that this could be a negative thing but of course, I'll keep praying and definately try to be the best I can as well as remembering to always do what Jesus would!

I Intend To Reach Out and Touch The Sky

~My Annotation of Nelson Mandela's poem...

“Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.”
I am not quite sure about these first lines. I think I do deal with feelings of inadequacy sometimes. I sometimes feel I could do better or be better. Wake up earlier, go to bed earlier, work harder, be smarter, and be nicer, less judgmental, more intuitive, more accountable…I could go on and on but I think the point is clear. So what did Mandela mean? I thought about it a little more and I think the fact that I am powerful beyond measure is more of a disappointment for me because I know I am nowhere near performing at my potential. I could be better.

“It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?”
Yup! For sure! Is it really my portion to be special? Am I supposed to make a difference? Am I supposed to do anything extraordinary? Should I dream big AND go through with it? Should I take these big steps? What is my shoe size? Is it possible to blow myself out of proportion?

“Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.”
I SHOULD be my father’s daughter. I should let the magnitude of his glory shine through in me. Let the world see me and recognize who my father is.

"Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you."
Love it…
"We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone."
Haaaa…
"And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same."
I’ve heard this said many times but for the first time it really comes home for me. I’ve been inspired by other people and their work has motivated me to do my thing.

"As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others."
These people have in essence empowered me, showed me that I could be more and push me to be more.

How hard does Karma bite?

Okay, so I have very mixed feelings about the things I am about to write. I'll express my feelings first then I'll write the concerns I have about how I'm feeling so things can be clear. Here it goes...

How can anyone be so mean? Of course there are mean people in this world but I feel that those who love you shouldn't be able to do certain things to you. I mean, it's kind of expected when those who don't know you or care about you hurt you but it's really just kind of a hopeless when those who should love you and should never hurt you engage in activities that are obviously sure to hurt your feelings.

Anyway, my friend has hurt me and continues to hurt me and is very aware that I am hurt and could definitely change the situation with some effort but chooses not to do so(plus every reasonable man will agree that my friend is wrong). I have tried to separate myself form the situation but the separation does not change the fact that my friend hurt me.I have gone through a wide range of emotions and here I am on the corner of hurt and confused. Hurt because of betrayed loyalty, confused coz how can anyone be so mean? How can someone know that their actions hurt another person but persist anyway? I understand that we've all got our lives to live but isn't it reasonable to expect that a relationship you willingly participate in places certain responsibilities on you and the extent or bond of that relationship kind of makes you accountable for how your actions affect anyone else involved in that relationship. I now find myself hoping what goes around comes around. I'm hoping that when you do something wrong to someone you don't get away with it and receive the repercussions/punishment for your actions. I don't want my friend to go scot free. This is kind of a paradox; I loved my friend so much that I would like pay back.

Now to my concerns...
I'm concerned that I am not being christian. I should forgive and turn the other cheek. I should let it go and leave it in God's hand. I shouldn't wish evil upon anyone because what if that which goes around really does come around? I'm definitely not perfect and I have probably done wrong in the past, this would me I would have some major punishment coming my way also...

So what do I do? How do I forgive and move on? obviously,this is hurt that's talking...How do I make it go away, there's been more than enough time but it won't seem to go away so what do I do? If time isn't healing this wound, what will? I need this wound to heal so I can stop worrying about payback.

Lesson learned in Satisfaction

It might be a little early to say this but I think 2010 is going to pen out to be the year of Satisfaction. Not that I have everything I want, but I have learned to appreciate my life and its contents regardless of what I think I want or where I think I should be.

4-6 months ago, a conversation with me, depending on the nature of our relationship, would have inevitable veered in the direction of me indulging in a pity party complete with the list of things I want and don’t have as well as those things in my life that went terribly wrong. I was dissatisfied with school, my career as a whole, my love life, you name it…I was dissatisfied. I as angry! Very angry. Angry with other people, angry with my parents most of all, angry at myself. How did I get here? Why didn’t I see this coming? What could I have done differently? Is God punishing me? How am I going to fix it? I was for the second time in my adult life spiraling into a dark hole and entertaining dangerous feelings of inadequacy. I was on the verge of becoming the 2nd most bitter person I know. Sheesh!

I wish I could say that things have turned around, the clouds have cleared and its sunny skies from here till the eyes can see. On the contrary, I think things might be the worst they have ever been, I am now actually on the brink of disaster, earlier this year is nothing compared with where I am now. And I am glad that God has saved me from myself. Instead of drowning in despair, my eyes are open to the fact that I should have been more appreciative of where I was. The bigger picture being that I should always be content no matter where I am. Nothing wrong with goals and aspirations…but not to the point where they cloud the here and now…I have a new found respect for how good I have things now and the fact that they could be worse.

More than ever, I’m convinced that I should make the best of every situation no matter the nature of the situation. Regardless of whether or not I want to be in this moment, right here right now, life will not waste it, this moment will either bite me in the ass or bless me in the future and more often than not, it will be my decision how this moment will affect me. I guess what I’m in a long roundabout way saying is that…unless I’m satisfied, I’ll lack the presence of mind to do the right thing right now hence the importance of satisfaction.

I wished upon a star and you came true...

So I think in matters of the heart, most people start out hoping for that person who is absolutely special. I mean special to them right off the bat, "sent from heaven" especially for them, that person that was created for the sole purpose of being their other half. I guess what I'm trying to say is whether we like it or not, most of us, including me start out with some variation or version of the idea that out there somewhere exists for us, dare I say it? A "Soul Mate”. Who can blame us though? Cinderella, Snow White…these were the pioneers of this whole Prince Charming/Mr. Right business.

So what happens? For me, I find that as the years go by and..."Life happens", I'm not so disillusioned anymore by this idea of a cosmic/mystical connection that can only be shared with this one person made just for me. These days, I'm unlearning everything Cinderella and Snow White taught me, and subscribing more to lessons learned from my mother, and aunties and friends, of course, men and life in general. I think, connections, companionship and love in general is what I make it. i.e. me and whoever else is involved. I think after experiencing the ooohs and aaaahs of the "I wished on a star and you came true” feeling (how cheesy!), and it didn't work out, I'm resigned to feeling like, there’s might be nothing cosmic or supernatural about our connections. It’s all on us, how we treat each other and the decisions we make.

Not to exclude romance et al…but I think it boils right down to making the right decisions, doing the right thing even when it’s hard, love on each other as much as possible and finally and most importantly PRAY. PRAY hard that the Lord God Almighty blesses the union with lotsa grace and mercy.



As a side note: Of course there is the discourse between ladies and gents in this area. Girls grew up on Cinderella, boys grew up on spider man…daaah

Are all men really creaated equal?

Of course all men are created equal but as far as making a difference, are men really created equal? We are brought about the same, require the same sustenance and will all check out one day but doesn’t opportunity play a role in our footprint? Don’t we have to be adequately equipped as well as suitably positioned to make any type of difference? Regardless of the difference, could be the fruit of a full-time housewife in the most remote village of far away land, the President of the world or the most responsible citizen of our universe. If opportunity + preparedness/skill = destiny/difference, doesn’t capability to acquire skill as well as availability of opportunities define and measure the ability of a man? Having said that, Cēterīs paribus, are all men special, is one more special than the other or is special just a state of mind?

Do our decisions make us special? Is it in picking a side or bridging the divide? Seeking to lead, follow or being the way? Choosing to manufacture, be the finished product or being the tool and material needed? Is it in making the Past a stepping stone or a Crutch? Is it in anticipating change or recognizing that it starts within?

Dancing with my father

Dancing With My Father

Jehovah has been many things to me; most of all, he has been my comforter and my provider. He has been merciful and ever so loving. Words cannot describe how I feel about my Creator. My father has been awesome. He has taught me exactly what it means to love unconditionally by loving me as he does. A kind of love I couldn’t learn from anyone else. I look at myself and some of the things I’ve done and I just know that it is his mercy that keeps me. I see everyday how even though I am not deserving, his love and mercy sustain me. I draw away and he pulls me back. I forget who I am and he reminds me everyday. I loose myself and he finds me. My light when it is dark, My eyes when I can’t see, My feet when I can’t walk, My strength when I’m weak. Daddy I love you.

My Father is all around and he reveals himself to me everyday. The devil was waging a war I couldn’t see. My father was fighting a battle and I didn’t know it. I was depressed. I was lost. The devil was practicing tricks on me and I sought help from everyone except he who loves me most of all, my King, my Father, the Parent of the orphan, the Husband to the widower, my Comforter. Daddy I love you.

Father, I cannot thank you adequately for all you’ve done because I will never know how much you’ve done. I will say thank you Daddy for how much you love me. Thank you for always seeing the potential in me when others see the hopelessness. Thank you for always being the shelter in whose name I run to be saved. Thank you for always allowing me back into your camp whenever I go astray. Thank you for bringing me into this promised “new season”. Thank you for loving me “till you loved me to the truth”. Thank you because now I know that I will never be alone. Thank you because the devil’s tricks have been revealed to me and I am no longer scared!

Your Word is sweet like honey. Your presence makes my heart rejoice. I love to dwell in your house with your children singing “Our God is an awesome God” Glory! Glory! Glory! Thinking about you oh Glorious Wonder takes my breath away. Help me to remain in your service all the days of my life. Use me to bring others into this love that endures always. I love you Daddy and my heart will always be yours.

My heart bleeds yet it smiles

When love unconditional comes face to face with misery…the sound of her quiet despair in the daytime and her agonizing wail at night is like the buzzing of a bee, I can’t turn a deaf ear, I have to look, my eyes will never believe even though my soul tells my heart it’s true! The truth overwhelms me, the pain cuts right through and my heart gives way to tears, yes, my heart cries the only way it knows how; it bleeds.

How can the highs be so high and the lows so down in the dumps? When the children blinded by greed, crazed with egoism run loose depending on visor shades of self glorification for light, mother lays out in the street, clad in rags of cashmere, crippled by corruption, screaming muted reprimands to her children. The others walk right past her, pointing, whispering shame…shame…shame, long lost children scream at her from a distance, Mother Get up! Get up! O yeah, the heart of a long lost daughter is ripped apart and it bleeds.

Here comes the New Dawn though, the crack of the sun is melting the visor shades, the scales of greed are falling off revealing the light; we will take nothing to the grave, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, take pride in what is yours, take responsibility, love others as you love yourself, walk upright, give up corruption and live content. So my heart bleeds yet it smiles…Hope smiles through tears, Mother has got it in her. She is a queen and she won’t be held down much longer. Yeah…my heart bleeds yet it smiles.

More brings us together than keeps us apart; we will tear down these walls of greed, hate and intolerance within our hearts. Love will conquer money so help us o God.

I love you mother…

Mother's Love for Her Child

Day dreaming…sigh…
Thinking about this great love I’ve only heard about
A love that literally gives life and nurture
The love that is truly and utterly unconditional, it is love at first sight
As she looks on his face for the very first time, she knows, without a doubt, she’ll forever love him more than she loves herself
And even though she’ll all but love it when he gives his heart to another, she’ll know he’ll always belong to her and that will be enough

The Lord has honored her with this gift
She will bring her baby to the house of the creator and vow to bring him up in the way of the Lord
Her baby’s steps are ordered by the Lord so she has complete faith that it shall be well with him
Her baby is more than a conqueror and the Lord’s promises in his life are yea and amen
She knows the Lord has equipped her with everything she needs to raise this child
The Lord will never leave nor forsake her family

Some say it takes a village to raise a child
Dear mother, you have family and friends who love you and your precious child
Your family will be in our prayers
God bless and Congratulations!

What does having faith really mean?

So I find that many areas of my life, these days, are heavily dependent on Faith; hoping and believing that "It" will work out for good even though there is no substantial, glaring evidence that it will. At the risk of sounding like I don't adequately hold myself accountable for my life, I have to say that nothing seems to be in my control. I find myself making lots of lemonade because all I have is lemons. I'm asking myself, do I really have faith? When I pray, is it really with faith? Of course I can't know until I'm sure I know what faith is.
If I already know for a fact that my Father's Will will come to fruition then where does faith fit in? Does faith know that God will give me what I want or does it know that God will execute his Will? I don't know that faith believes God will give me what I want since the things I want might not always align with his Will. I could never really pray with faith if I am praying for what I want…And since I don't always know His Will then I can't always have Faith that I will get what I have asked for. If I am praying that God’s will be done, that’s kind of a platitude since it will be done regardless of where I stand on the matter. And if I do know “It” is His Will, then can it be called faith since I now have evidence that "It" is God's will which will definitely come to pass.
It is important to me to that I have Faith, because the good book says "without faith it is impossible to please God". So what is faith? Am I pleasing to God?