Okay, so I have very mixed feelings about the things I am about to write. I'll express my feelings first then I'll write the concerns I have about how I'm feeling so things can be clear. Here it goes...
How can anyone be so mean? Of course there are mean people in this world but I feel that those who love you shouldn't be able to do certain things to you. I mean, it's kind of expected when those who don't know you or care about you hurt you but it's really just kind of a hopeless when those who should love you and should never hurt you engage in activities that are obviously sure to hurt your feelings.
Anyway, my friend has hurt me and continues to hurt me and is very aware that I am hurt and could definitely change the situation with some effort but chooses not to do so(plus every reasonable man will agree that my friend is wrong). I have tried to separate myself form the situation but the separation does not change the fact that my friend hurt me.I have gone through a wide range of emotions and here I am on the corner of hurt and confused. Hurt because of betrayed loyalty, confused coz how can anyone be so mean? How can someone know that their actions hurt another person but persist anyway? I understand that we've all got our lives to live but isn't it reasonable to expect that a relationship you willingly participate in places certain responsibilities on you and the extent or bond of that relationship kind of makes you accountable for how your actions affect anyone else involved in that relationship. I now find myself hoping what goes around comes around. I'm hoping that when you do something wrong to someone you don't get away with it and receive the repercussions/punishment for your actions. I don't want my friend to go scot free. This is kind of a paradox; I loved my friend so much that I would like pay back.
Now to my concerns...
I'm concerned that I am not being christian. I should forgive and turn the other cheek. I should let it go and leave it in God's hand. I shouldn't wish evil upon anyone because what if that which goes around really does come around? I'm definitely not perfect and I have probably done wrong in the past, this would me I would have some major punishment coming my way also...
So what do I do? How do I forgive and move on? obviously,this is hurt that's talking...How do I make it go away, there's been more than enough time but it won't seem to go away so what do I do? If time isn't healing this wound, what will? I need this wound to heal so I can stop worrying about payback.
Jun 22, 2010
Jun 11, 2010
Lesson learned in Satisfaction
It might be a little early to say this but I think 2010 is going to pen out to be the year of Satisfaction. Not that I have everything I want, but I have learned to appreciate my life and its contents regardless of what I think I want or where I think I should be.
4-6 months ago, a conversation with me, depending on the nature of our relationship, would have inevitable veered in the direction of me indulging in a pity party complete with the list of things I want and don’t have as well as those things in my life that went terribly wrong. I was dissatisfied with school, my career as a whole, my love life, you name it…I was dissatisfied. I as angry! Very angry. Angry with other people, angry with my parents most of all, angry at myself. How did I get here? Why didn’t I see this coming? What could I have done differently? Is God punishing me? How am I going to fix it? I was for the second time in my adult life spiraling into a dark hole and entertaining dangerous feelings of inadequacy. I was on the verge of becoming the 2nd most bitter person I know. Sheesh!
I wish I could say that things have turned around, the clouds have cleared and its sunny skies from here till the eyes can see. On the contrary, I think things might be the worst they have ever been, I am now actually on the brink of disaster, earlier this year is nothing compared with where I am now. And I am glad that God has saved me from myself. Instead of drowning in despair, my eyes are open to the fact that I should have been more appreciative of where I was. The bigger picture being that I should always be content no matter where I am. Nothing wrong with goals and aspirations…but not to the point where they cloud the here and now…I have a new found respect for how good I have things now and the fact that they could be worse.
More than ever, I’m convinced that I should make the best of every situation no matter the nature of the situation. Regardless of whether or not I want to be in this moment, right here right now, life will not waste it, this moment will either bite me in the ass or bless me in the future and more often than not, it will be my decision how this moment will affect me. I guess what I’m in a long roundabout way saying is that…unless I’m satisfied, I’ll lack the presence of mind to do the right thing right now hence the importance of satisfaction.
4-6 months ago, a conversation with me, depending on the nature of our relationship, would have inevitable veered in the direction of me indulging in a pity party complete with the list of things I want and don’t have as well as those things in my life that went terribly wrong. I was dissatisfied with school, my career as a whole, my love life, you name it…I was dissatisfied. I as angry! Very angry. Angry with other people, angry with my parents most of all, angry at myself. How did I get here? Why didn’t I see this coming? What could I have done differently? Is God punishing me? How am I going to fix it? I was for the second time in my adult life spiraling into a dark hole and entertaining dangerous feelings of inadequacy. I was on the verge of becoming the 2nd most bitter person I know. Sheesh!
I wish I could say that things have turned around, the clouds have cleared and its sunny skies from here till the eyes can see. On the contrary, I think things might be the worst they have ever been, I am now actually on the brink of disaster, earlier this year is nothing compared with where I am now. And I am glad that God has saved me from myself. Instead of drowning in despair, my eyes are open to the fact that I should have been more appreciative of where I was. The bigger picture being that I should always be content no matter where I am. Nothing wrong with goals and aspirations…but not to the point where they cloud the here and now…I have a new found respect for how good I have things now and the fact that they could be worse.
More than ever, I’m convinced that I should make the best of every situation no matter the nature of the situation. Regardless of whether or not I want to be in this moment, right here right now, life will not waste it, this moment will either bite me in the ass or bless me in the future and more often than not, it will be my decision how this moment will affect me. I guess what I’m in a long roundabout way saying is that…unless I’m satisfied, I’ll lack the presence of mind to do the right thing right now hence the importance of satisfaction.
Jun 8, 2010
I wished upon a star and you came true...
So I think in matters of the heart, most people start out hoping for that person who is absolutely special. I mean special to them right off the bat, "sent from heaven" especially for them, that person that was created for the sole purpose of being their other half. I guess what I'm trying to say is whether we like it or not, most of us, including me start out with some variation or version of the idea that out there somewhere exists for us, dare I say it? A "Soul Mate”. Who can blame us though? Cinderella, Snow White…these were the pioneers of this whole Prince Charming/Mr. Right business.
So what happens? For me, I find that as the years go by and..."Life happens", I'm not so disillusioned anymore by this idea of a cosmic/mystical connection that can only be shared with this one person made just for me. These days, I'm unlearning everything Cinderella and Snow White taught me, and subscribing more to lessons learned from my mother, and aunties and friends, of course, men and life in general. I think, connections, companionship and love in general is what I make it. i.e. me and whoever else is involved. I think after experiencing the ooohs and aaaahs of the "I wished on a star and you came true” feeling (how cheesy!), and it didn't work out, I'm resigned to feeling like, there’s might be nothing cosmic or supernatural about our connections. It’s all on us, how we treat each other and the decisions we make.
Not to exclude romance et al…but I think it boils right down to making the right decisions, doing the right thing even when it’s hard, love on each other as much as possible and finally and most importantly PRAY. PRAY hard that the Lord God Almighty blesses the union with lotsa grace and mercy.
As a side note: Of course there is the discourse between ladies and gents in this area. Girls grew up on Cinderella, boys grew up on spider man…daaah
As a side note: Of course there is the discourse between ladies and gents in this area. Girls grew up on Cinderella, boys grew up on spider man…daaah
Jun 6, 2010
Are all men really creaated equal?
Of course all men are created equal but as far as making a difference, are men really created equal? We are brought about the same, require the same sustenance and will all check out one day but doesn’t opportunity play a role in our footprint? Don’t we have to be adequately equipped as well as suitably positioned to make any type of difference? Regardless of the difference, could be the fruit of a full-time housewife in the most remote village of far away land, the President of the world or the most responsible citizen of our universe. If opportunity + preparedness/skill = destiny/difference, doesn’t capability to acquire skill as well as availability of opportunities define and measure the ability of a man? Having said that, Cēterīs paribus, are all men special, is one more special than the other or is special just a state of mind?
Do our decisions make us special? Is it in picking a side or bridging the divide? Seeking to lead, follow or being the way? Choosing to manufacture, be the finished product or being the tool and material needed? Is it in making the Past a stepping stone or a Crutch? Is it in anticipating change or recognizing that it starts within?
Do our decisions make us special? Is it in picking a side or bridging the divide? Seeking to lead, follow or being the way? Choosing to manufacture, be the finished product or being the tool and material needed? Is it in making the Past a stepping stone or a Crutch? Is it in anticipating change or recognizing that it starts within?
Dancing with my father
Dancing With My Father
Jehovah has been many things to me; most of all, he has been my comforter and my provider. He has been merciful and ever so loving. Words cannot describe how I feel about my Creator. My father has been awesome. He has taught me exactly what it means to love unconditionally by loving me as he does. A kind of love I couldn’t learn from anyone else. I look at myself and some of the things I’ve done and I just know that it is his mercy that keeps me. I see everyday how even though I am not deserving, his love and mercy sustain me. I draw away and he pulls me back. I forget who I am and he reminds me everyday. I loose myself and he finds me. My light when it is dark, My eyes when I can’t see, My feet when I can’t walk, My strength when I’m weak. Daddy I love you.
My Father is all around and he reveals himself to me everyday. The devil was waging a war I couldn’t see. My father was fighting a battle and I didn’t know it. I was depressed. I was lost. The devil was practicing tricks on me and I sought help from everyone except he who loves me most of all, my King, my Father, the Parent of the orphan, the Husband to the widower, my Comforter. Daddy I love you.
Father, I cannot thank you adequately for all you’ve done because I will never know how much you’ve done. I will say thank you Daddy for how much you love me. Thank you for always seeing the potential in me when others see the hopelessness. Thank you for always being the shelter in whose name I run to be saved. Thank you for always allowing me back into your camp whenever I go astray. Thank you for bringing me into this promised “new season”. Thank you for loving me “till you loved me to the truth”. Thank you because now I know that I will never be alone. Thank you because the devil’s tricks have been revealed to me and I am no longer scared!
Your Word is sweet like honey. Your presence makes my heart rejoice. I love to dwell in your house with your children singing “Our God is an awesome God” Glory! Glory! Glory! Thinking about you oh Glorious Wonder takes my breath away. Help me to remain in your service all the days of my life. Use me to bring others into this love that endures always. I love you Daddy and my heart will always be yours.
Jehovah has been many things to me; most of all, he has been my comforter and my provider. He has been merciful and ever so loving. Words cannot describe how I feel about my Creator. My father has been awesome. He has taught me exactly what it means to love unconditionally by loving me as he does. A kind of love I couldn’t learn from anyone else. I look at myself and some of the things I’ve done and I just know that it is his mercy that keeps me. I see everyday how even though I am not deserving, his love and mercy sustain me. I draw away and he pulls me back. I forget who I am and he reminds me everyday. I loose myself and he finds me. My light when it is dark, My eyes when I can’t see, My feet when I can’t walk, My strength when I’m weak. Daddy I love you.
My Father is all around and he reveals himself to me everyday. The devil was waging a war I couldn’t see. My father was fighting a battle and I didn’t know it. I was depressed. I was lost. The devil was practicing tricks on me and I sought help from everyone except he who loves me most of all, my King, my Father, the Parent of the orphan, the Husband to the widower, my Comforter. Daddy I love you.
Father, I cannot thank you adequately for all you’ve done because I will never know how much you’ve done. I will say thank you Daddy for how much you love me. Thank you for always seeing the potential in me when others see the hopelessness. Thank you for always being the shelter in whose name I run to be saved. Thank you for always allowing me back into your camp whenever I go astray. Thank you for bringing me into this promised “new season”. Thank you for loving me “till you loved me to the truth”. Thank you because now I know that I will never be alone. Thank you because the devil’s tricks have been revealed to me and I am no longer scared!
Your Word is sweet like honey. Your presence makes my heart rejoice. I love to dwell in your house with your children singing “Our God is an awesome God” Glory! Glory! Glory! Thinking about you oh Glorious Wonder takes my breath away. Help me to remain in your service all the days of my life. Use me to bring others into this love that endures always. I love you Daddy and my heart will always be yours.
My heart bleeds yet it smiles
When love unconditional comes face to face with misery…the sound of her quiet despair in the daytime and her agonizing wail at night is like the buzzing of a bee, I can’t turn a deaf ear, I have to look, my eyes will never believe even though my soul tells my heart it’s true! The truth overwhelms me, the pain cuts right through and my heart gives way to tears, yes, my heart cries the only way it knows how; it bleeds.
How can the highs be so high and the lows so down in the dumps? When the children blinded by greed, crazed with egoism run loose depending on visor shades of self glorification for light, mother lays out in the street, clad in rags of cashmere, crippled by corruption, screaming muted reprimands to her children. The others walk right past her, pointing, whispering shame…shame…shame, long lost children scream at her from a distance, Mother Get up! Get up! O yeah, the heart of a long lost daughter is ripped apart and it bleeds.
Here comes the New Dawn though, the crack of the sun is melting the visor shades, the scales of greed are falling off revealing the light; we will take nothing to the grave, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, take pride in what is yours, take responsibility, love others as you love yourself, walk upright, give up corruption and live content. So my heart bleeds yet it smiles…Hope smiles through tears, Mother has got it in her. She is a queen and she won’t be held down much longer. Yeah…my heart bleeds yet it smiles.
More brings us together than keeps us apart; we will tear down these walls of greed, hate and intolerance within our hearts. Love will conquer money so help us o God.
I love you mother…
How can the highs be so high and the lows so down in the dumps? When the children blinded by greed, crazed with egoism run loose depending on visor shades of self glorification for light, mother lays out in the street, clad in rags of cashmere, crippled by corruption, screaming muted reprimands to her children. The others walk right past her, pointing, whispering shame…shame…shame, long lost children scream at her from a distance, Mother Get up! Get up! O yeah, the heart of a long lost daughter is ripped apart and it bleeds.
Here comes the New Dawn though, the crack of the sun is melting the visor shades, the scales of greed are falling off revealing the light; we will take nothing to the grave, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, take pride in what is yours, take responsibility, love others as you love yourself, walk upright, give up corruption and live content. So my heart bleeds yet it smiles…Hope smiles through tears, Mother has got it in her. She is a queen and she won’t be held down much longer. Yeah…my heart bleeds yet it smiles.
More brings us together than keeps us apart; we will tear down these walls of greed, hate and intolerance within our hearts. Love will conquer money so help us o God.
I love you mother…
Mother's Love for Her Child
Day dreaming…sigh…
Thinking about this great love I’ve only heard about
A love that literally gives life and nurture
The love that is truly and utterly unconditional, it is love at first sight
As she looks on his face for the very first time, she knows, without a doubt, she’ll forever love him more than she loves herself
And even though she’ll all but love it when he gives his heart to another, she’ll know he’ll always belong to her and that will be enough
The Lord has honored her with this gift
She will bring her baby to the house of the creator and vow to bring him up in the way of the Lord
Her baby’s steps are ordered by the Lord so she has complete faith that it shall be well with him
Her baby is more than a conqueror and the Lord’s promises in his life are yea and amen
She knows the Lord has equipped her with everything she needs to raise this child
The Lord will never leave nor forsake her family
Some say it takes a village to raise a child
Dear mother, you have family and friends who love you and your precious child
Your family will be in our prayers
God bless and Congratulations!
Thinking about this great love I’ve only heard about
A love that literally gives life and nurture
The love that is truly and utterly unconditional, it is love at first sight
As she looks on his face for the very first time, she knows, without a doubt, she’ll forever love him more than she loves herself
And even though she’ll all but love it when he gives his heart to another, she’ll know he’ll always belong to her and that will be enough
The Lord has honored her with this gift
She will bring her baby to the house of the creator and vow to bring him up in the way of the Lord
Her baby’s steps are ordered by the Lord so she has complete faith that it shall be well with him
Her baby is more than a conqueror and the Lord’s promises in his life are yea and amen
She knows the Lord has equipped her with everything she needs to raise this child
The Lord will never leave nor forsake her family
Some say it takes a village to raise a child
Dear mother, you have family and friends who love you and your precious child
Your family will be in our prayers
God bless and Congratulations!
Jun 5, 2010
What does having faith really mean?
So I find that many areas of my life, these days, are heavily dependent on Faith; hoping and believing that "It" will work out for good even though there is no substantial, glaring evidence that it will. At the risk of sounding like I don't adequately hold myself accountable for my life, I have to say that nothing seems to be in my control. I find myself making lots of lemonade because all I have is lemons. I'm asking myself, do I really have faith? When I pray, is it really with faith? Of course I can't know until I'm sure I know what faith is.
If I already know for a fact that my Father's Will will come to fruition then where does faith fit in? Does faith know that God will give me what I want or does it know that God will execute his Will? I don't know that faith believes God will give me what I want since the things I want might not always align with his Will. I could never really pray with faith if I am praying for what I want…And since I don't always know His Will then I can't always have Faith that I will get what I have asked for. If I am praying that God’s will be done, that’s kind of a platitude since it will be done regardless of where I stand on the matter. And if I do know “It” is His Will, then can it be called faith since I now have evidence that "It" is God's will which will definitely come to pass.
It is important to me to that I have Faith, because the good book says "without faith it is impossible to please God". So what is faith? Am I pleasing to God?
If I already know for a fact that my Father's Will will come to fruition then where does faith fit in? Does faith know that God will give me what I want or does it know that God will execute his Will? I don't know that faith believes God will give me what I want since the things I want might not always align with his Will. I could never really pray with faith if I am praying for what I want…And since I don't always know His Will then I can't always have Faith that I will get what I have asked for. If I am praying that God’s will be done, that’s kind of a platitude since it will be done regardless of where I stand on the matter. And if I do know “It” is His Will, then can it be called faith since I now have evidence that "It" is God's will which will definitely come to pass.
It is important to me to that I have Faith, because the good book says "without faith it is impossible to please God". So what is faith? Am I pleasing to God?
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