I live everyday under the constant heavy weight of an unanswered question? The lack of an answer and the helplessness I feel to my own cause is the actual weight I carry. What is my purpose? What is my role? Which part am I supposed to play? Honestly, sometimes I feel like the understudy in my own play yet I feel my life is so ego centered. There’s a paradox for you.
My dream, my ultimate goal in life is to be actively involved in some type of charity-missionary work. I would like to help the less privileged, specifically healthcare access for children and the elderly in Africa while bringing the word of God to them. Sadly, I feel there is nothing in my life right now that even remotely mirrors that dream. People say you’re in charge of your own life and I guess I could volunteer in the local community but for some reason I just don’t seem interested in that.
Every day, I feel this hungry need which is yet to be satiated, the need to serve, eating away at me…I feel like it will keep eating away till there’s nothing left and it scares me because I think that point, where there’s nothing left, is the point when it will be too late for me.
Today is the day I get up; start serving. May not be in Africa, but I will be serving and maybe that hunger, eating me will “reduce its portions”. Maybe when the time comes and I’m fully immersed in service in Africa, then there’ll be a tangible amount left and my purpose can start to gain weight again. It will be back to its original form and I will be walking in my purpose to its fullest extent.
But of course, is this the will of God for me? Does he have an entirely different task of which I am currently totally unaware of?
Sigh.
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